


This dance

by Llana



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Marvel Universe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:47:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24012313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Llana/pseuds/Llana
Summary: Steve never got his dance with Peggy before crashing into the ice.  Now years later in New York, a year after her death, could there be someone who teaches him to feel again?  Or is he the one to help another open their heart once more?
Relationships: Steve Rogers & Reader, Steve Rogers/Reader
Kudos: 19





	1. Chapter 1

The sun was just breaking over the horizon of the city as you snuck out of the tower. Part of the team was off on a mission while the other half must have taken advantage of the down time and slept in. The kitchen was quiet as you walked through looking for your boots. You had left them by the television the previous night when you watched a movie with Bucky and Sam. At least this time you knew where they were. Most of the time you just took them off as soon as you entered the building, happy to be out of them, walking barefoot. The team was always finding them in odd places.

The car ride to the cemetery did not take long this early in the morning. Traffic, light this time of day. You wanted to get there as soon as you could to be able to spend time before you were called back to do something. Parking and the walk to the stone was done without really thinking about it. You had done it so many times before over the last four years, that it was now ingrained within you. Cleaning the leaves off the stone before you sat in front of it, you sighed as you looked at the words sprawled across its face. “I know it’s been a little while since I was here. But I wouldn’t have missed today. I almost bought a balloon again this year, but I heard your voice in the back of my mind telling me I better not buy another damn balloon that someone will just steal.”

You laughed quietly as you looked down at the grass. “How is it another birthday is here, and it still feels like yesterday that I last saw you?” The laugh turned into a sniff as you worked to hold back the tears. “Four years, Jason. It’s been four years and it still hurts like hell. I still think about you every day. Though there are hours that go by without you consuming all my thoughts.” The tears streamed down your cheeks and you wiped them away quickly. “Saw your mom the other day. She said she would be here sometime this week. Probably tomorrow. Says it hurts too much to come on your birthday. She is going to make your favorite cake today for her and your dad. She invited me over too, but I just can’t. Jason, I can’t walk in that house again. Your pictures are everywhere.”

The lump in your throat grew and you could not say anything because if you did a sob would escape. You took slow breaths trying to calm the emotions that were taking over. It took a few minutes, but you were able to reign them in. “Oh, you will love this. She asked if I was seeing any nice young man. I laughed and I think I startled her. I told her I didn’t know if that would ever happen. She gave me that look she would always give you and said that _‘you know Jason would want you to move on.’_ Ugh I just told her I had to leave then to get back to work. That just got her on another tangent. You know how she gets. She asked what I was doing now that I wasn’t with the fire department anymore. I just said I work for Stark Industries and left it at that. She can’t exactly know what I am doing now. You would be amazed at the things I can do now, Jas.”

A few rows behind and across the small pond there was another at the cemetery who was visiting a stone. He had been there since dawn wanting to think about the past year since her death. Steve had not said a word since he got there. Instead he cleaned off the stone that he visited weekly, ensuring that it stayed as pristine as possible. She deserved that. He had been staring at the stone for well over an hour just thinking about Peggy and their brief but wonderful time together. It was a year to the day since she had passed away in her sleep. He could still remember the feeling, the weight of the casket that day. It still hurt.

He walked away back towards the entrance when he caught sight of a familiar form. You were in front of a stone, sitting in the grass, talking. Steve figured you were talking to who ever belonged to that stone as there was no one else around. Though he was curious as who it could be. No one really knew about your past, not personally at least. The team knew you were once a fire fighter and after the attack on New York by Loki and the Chitauri your powers were triggered. From there you were recruited by Fury and trained to become a part of the Avengers. While you had made friends quickly with the team, none of them could really break through the walls that you kept up when it came to some of the details of your life. He was unsure of whether he should approach you, but he decided to take the chance.

You were still talking and by the sounds of it crying when he placed a hand on your shoulder. Instinct took over and you grabbed the arm flipping whoever it was over your shoulder before pulled the blade from your ankle and holding it to their throat. When you realized it was Rogers you pulled back and scrambled to stand. “Oh Gods, Steve I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was you.”

He laughed as he lay on the ground before you extended your hand to help him up. “I’m sorry I didn’t let you know it was me. I should have made a sound or something. Just thought I didn’t want to disturb you but wanted to make sure you were okay.”  
You nodded nervously as he looked at your tear stained face. “It’s okay. I was just…” Looking at the stone then back to Steve you half smiled before shaking her head. “I was just spending some time with Jason for his birthday.”

Steve looked at the stone noting the name and the date of death. _Jason Leonard, May 4, 2012_. He realized that was the day Loki attacked New York. There was the Maltese Cross next to the name. It was starting to make a lot more sense. “He died in the attack.”

Closing your eyes, you nodded and began to sway back and forth, trying to keep more tears from coming. “Yeah, when one of the buildings collapsed. He… he uh, we had been trying to get people out. Lost him and a few other good people that day. Look Steve..”

He could see the pleading in your eyes. “I won’t ask anymore. I won’t tell your story either. If you want to talk, I’m here. I was just here visiting Peg’s grave. It’s been a year since… since she passed.”

You knew some of the story about Steve’s great lost love from before he was frozen. How when he woke up, she had lived her life and was slowly losing her memory and hold on reality. You had missed the funeral the year prior as you were off the week to spend time with Jason’s family. “It hurts still, I know the pain.”

Steve nodded as he put his hands on his hips. “I was just about to leave but if you want some company…”

“Oh no. I’m good. I was just catching him up on things. I don’t come here as often anymore. But… you know its his birthday. Thought… I should be here for it.” He smiled sadly at you looking down at the ground.

“Alright. I will see you later then.” You watched him walk away out of sight before you took your seat once more.

“Probably would have been bad if I had to kill someone on your grave.” The dry laugh at least brought some semblance of a smile to your face. “That’s Steve Rogers, Captain America himself. You would like him. You would like the whole team really. I mean Tony can be a bit much, but he is a good guy.”

You spent another hour there just talking before you finally felt like you could take the rest of the day without as much pressure on your chest. “I love you Jas. I think it will be a while before I come back. I need to learn to breathe again.” Kissing your hand, you touched his stone before walking back to the car. The tears streaming once more.

The days that followed, everyone noticed the change in your demeanor. You were quiet and almost sullen. It was not like you, not really. Your duties were completed without an issue but there was little interaction with the team. Bucky was the first to ask you if you were alright during a sparring session. You brushed him off telling him there were just things on your mind, that you would be fine. That excuse was repeated when Wanda asked you the same. Though she could sense there was so much more behind the words, but she did not press it further. The whole team was concerned about you but were not sure how to approach it. You had been with the team now for three years and none of them, save for Steve now, knew about family or friends. Of course, all the brass knew but they did not share that sort of information.

A week after the meeting at the cemetery Steve found you sitting on the roof, watching the sun set. It was your favorite time of day. It meant that whatever happened that day, if it were bad, it would be washed away with the dark and made new by the dawn. “I thought I might find you up here.”

You heard the door when it slid open but ignored it to watch the sun slip beneath the skyline. “Well you were right, I guess. Need something?”

He took a seat beside you looking off in the direction of your gaze. “No, I don’t need anything. I was checking if you needed anything. You have been off this week; I know it is a hard time for you. Wanted to make sure there wasn’t something I could do to help make you feel better.”

It was sweet that he asked. Steve Rogers was just that type of person. He cared about his team like they were family. Though you were not exactly family like the rest of them. You always felt on the outside of them all. Even after all this time, but that was probably your fault. “No there isn’t anything you can do. I need to figure this out. Learn to…” You laughed looking over at Steve. “I need to learn to breathe again.”

He looked puzzled by the laugh.

“I said that to Jason’s grave before I left. I told him or myself really that I need to learn to breathe again. I don’t know if I even understand what that means yet. It’s a little ironic I think.”

Steve shrugged as he continued to watch you, study the woman who looked like she was trying to keep herself from falling apart. He realized that your eyes always held that fight that was taking place within you. You were so strong doing what you did every day to keep the world safe, but you had not let go of any of the pain that had occurred in your life. “Everyone is worried, [Y/N]. You haven’t been yourself and blown off anyone who had tried to get close. But that is something you have done since you joined. You know it wouldn’t hurt to let people know who you are, who you were. Honestly, I think you would be surprised that everyone here has some screwed up story. They have all lost people. They could be family more than the distant friends that you keep at arm’s length if you just let them.”

Your eyes closed as he spoke, the tears beginning to flow. It felt like there had been so many recently. Every word he said was true, but it was difficult to think about actually doing it, bringing down the walls and allowing them to see the absolute wreck you truly were. You wanted to. Gods did you want to. It would be nice to have someone to be there even if just for a moment to cry on their shoulder. Someone to know the pain that was still sharp in your chest. Hell, it would be nice to just be able to talk about the good things in your past without worrying about sharing the bad parts too. No, it was too much. No.

“I got to go Steve.” You jumped up from your seat and all but ran back into the building.

“[Y/N] wait… I didn’t mean to… push.” The last word came out as the doors slid closed. “Damnit.”


	2. Chapter 2

As soon as you made it inside the building you ran. Ran through the hallways as though death himself were trying to catch you by your heels. There were people, the team, you passed in the halls, but you did not see faces. They were merely obstacles to avoid as you moved towards your destination. You had to get out of the building, the walls were closing quickly, and you were not sure if you would make it out before they caught up with you. Calls of your name behind you made it to your ears, but they would have to wait. Everything and everyone would have to wait until you could control the chaos inside you at that moment. As you burst outside the building it felt like you could breathe again. The air cool, filling your lungs easily as you bent over with your hands resting on your thighs. There were people on the sidewalk, a few giving you the side eye as they took a wide berth around you.

The need to keep moving was clawing inside your chest forcing your feet, which were bare because you had no clue where your shoes may have been kicked this time, to move against the warm pavement. There was no particular place you wanted to go but you could not stay there. The sun had already set, and the lights of the city had begun to glow for the night. The city that never slept always felt as though it was there to make sure even the oddest person felt like they had a place to belong. The early risers in their designer suits working themselves into early graves in those corporate high rises. Or the night owls who roamed the streets looking for their next big artistic discovery. The thoughts of the students who did not know the time of day due to papers due and exams to take. There was always something to do. You grew up in the city, finding it the ideal place for a girl who could not figure out what she wanted her life to be or how it should turn out.

Your journey through the streets tonight took you to that pizza place six blocks away from the tower. It was the place you often ordered from on the nights you were on duty at the station. You stood outside looking in at the bustle of the evening crew working to fill their many orders. Jason had first taken you there when you joined the department. He had played it off that he was welcoming you as one of the probies. When he kissed you at the end of the night you knew that was not all it had been. The knife twisted in your chest as everything always ended with thoughts of him. Your bare feet moved again, this time though to a place that did not remind you of anything related to him. One of several parks in the city, Tony had built after the attack on New York. He touted it as rebuilding of the community and a place they could all come together. Whatever it was for it was a quiet place to sit.

The streetlights cast a pretty glow on the trails through the park. There was a pond with a fountain in the middle, and large grassy areas that during the day, families would have picnics. You found an empty bench, taking a seat you pulled your knees up against you, wrapping your arms around them. It was then you realized that your feet were throbbing from the abuse you had inflicted upon them from the hard streets. You were going to have to take care of that once you walked all the way back to the tower.

“Too bad you didn’t stay at that pizza place back there. That place smelled amazing as I ran by. I was tempted to stop but Steve would have probably killed me.” Bucky’s voice called from behind you before the man came to sit beside you. You rolled your eyes, refusing to look at him. It was not surprising that he was able to find you. You were fairly certain there was a tracking device in the watch you wore. The whole team wore one.

“You didn’t have to follow me. I needed…” He interrupted; his voice quiet.

“I know what you needed. You needed to feel like everything wasn’t closing in on you. I’ve been there many times.” It was then you looked over in his direction, your arms still locked tight around your needs. Bucky was not looking in your direction, he was looking off towards the fountain and the lights that dancing within it. “That was me every day for a good while. Running, screaming trying to avoid everyone to not burden the team, my friends.”

“How did you get it to stop?” A corner of his mouth lifted as he looked over at you.

“It hasn’t. Not completely. I know you have heard the nightmares. Everyone has.” You nodded as you looked off.

“Yeah I have heard them. I got up one night and ran towards your room, I think it was the first week or so I moved into the tower. Thought someone had gotten in or something. Steve told me about the nightmares.” He sighed as he leaned back on the bench, studying your position and how tight you held yourself. “You haven’t had one in a while.”

Bucky shrugged. “I have them, not as often anymore but I have them. Steve has helped me a lot. We have talked about things and… it has eased somewhat. I don’t scream out as much anymore.”

As you thought about talking to someone, you realized Steve always seemed so protective of Bucky. It no was secret they had known each other growing up all those years ago. Steve had his back and would do what he needed to, to protect his friend. But honestly it was not just with Bucky. He was the person just about everyone went to, to have someone to talk to. Except for Tony but that man was different in every way possible. 

“Tell me what is going on in there?” Bucky tapped the side of your head lightly.

“I talked to someone… a shrink after it all happened. She diagnosed me with PTSD. Said it would get better if I talked about it. It didn’t feel like it. Felt like the more I talked about it the worse it got.” There was a quiver in your voice, but you swallowed hard, refusing to cry in front of him.

“About the attack from Loki? I know lots of people were killed that day. You were a firefighter, right?”

“Yes, I was a firefighter. I will never forget the screams that day. I still hear them at night.” You did not want to elaborate about how the screams were coming from your team that day. How the building collapsed and there was nothing you could do to help any of those trapped, including Jason.

“If you don’t want to talk to some stranger, maybe one of us could be your sounding board. We have all had some issue that we have had to get over. I swear, Fury only recruits the really damaged ones because no way a normal person could do the things we have to do.” It was then you were graced with one of the few times you had ever heard Bucky laugh. You knew it was not a real one but enough of one that he at least gave you a smile. He was not wrong; everyone had some kind of trauma in their lives. Some probably more so than you had. Which did not make anything any better but maybe there was a possibility you would not always be this empty shell. That is really all you had been for four years now, empty. You did smile a half-hearted smile in return.

“I guess we are a fucked-up band of misfits.” That earned a real Bucky laugh and a bump of his shoulder against you. Slowly you began to loosen your hold around yourself, letting one leg relax completely.

“You seriously don’t have shoes on? [Y/N]… this is New York. You know the kind of stuff that people leave and do on the streets and sidewalks. That is disgusting.” It was your turn to laugh as you stood up.

“I wasn’t thinking about shoes when I left. I’m not even sure where my boots are anyway.” Bucky followed your movements and stood beside you.

“I believed you kicked them by the training room doors earlier. Either way I refuse to allow you to walk back to the tower like that.”

Raising a brow, you crossed your arms over your chest. “You refuse to allow me? And just who are you Bucky Barnes?” He held his hands up trying to keep you from killing him.

“You know what I meant! You can’t walk back like that. I will call one of the others to come get us. Please don’t make me suffer watching you step on the sidewalk like that all the way back home.”

When you returned to the tower, there was no missing the concern on everyone’s faces. You gave a small wave before you went up to your room to take the hottest shower you could to try to wash away the events of the day. Bucky had helped you get a different perspective. Truly you did not want to talk to some random person about things they would not understand. Being an enhanced/inhuman whatever they wanted to call it made it even more difficult to open up to people who did not understand your new and altered world. Perhaps, you would talk to one of the others, at least they would be able to understand some of what you were going through. Then guilt began to claw its way through your chest. You did not want to burden anyone with your issues. No one needed to listen to you failing your team and Jason.

You had missed dinner Sam had made for everyone. When you snuck down to the kitchen later on you found he had saved you a portion with a big note on it in the fridge with your name and a warning for Bucky not to eat it. Pulling it from the fridge you popped the top of the container open to warm it in the microwave. “Hey [Y/N], want to watch a movie with everyone? They all agreed to sit down and be quiet for once.”

Nat stood in the kitchen doorway that led to the living area with the television. You could hear the voices of the others in the other room. “Umm sure… just let me finish heating this up.” She smiled as she waited on you and your food.

“I hope you are feeling better. I know you have had… a not great time lately.” Nodding with a half-smile you pulled the food from the microwave as the timer went off.

“Okay I’m ready I think.” You pulled a fork from the drawer before following Nat to the living area. Sam and Tony were bickering on the big couch as Steve was lounged over the armchair. Bucky and Clint were on the floor leaning against the couch. Wanda was sitting by herself on the love seat, patting the open cushion for you to sit while Nat went to join the boys on the couch. “So what are we watching?”

Clint perked up with a grin. “Back to the Future. Wanda has never seen it before. I thought it was time she got to know good movies and not the trash Sam makes us watch.”

“Hey! My movies aren’t trash. You just have no taste.” Clint laughed as you took the spot next to Wanda. The movie brought back a lot of good memories.

“That was Jason’s favorite movie. He probably watched it a thousand… times.” The whole room got quiet as you realized that you had just let the words slip out without thinking about them. When you looked up, everyone was staring at you. It wasn’t every day you shared something with the team.  
“Who’s Jason?” Sam asked from the couch. He was the first one brave enough to ask though you could see it on everyone else’s face that they wanted to know as well.

“Oh… he was… he was my husband.” Pulling your legs up beneath you, you began to focus on the food in the container in your hand as everyone looked at each other before Clint piped up.

“So, let’s uh, get this movie started. Right folks?” There were murmurs from everyone in agreeance. A moment later you glanced up to find Steve, who was seated directly across from you, looking at you. Once he realized you caught him, he gave you a reassuring smile and a quick nod before looking back to the movie.

Everyone enjoyed the movie and you were able to relax more than you had with them previously. Not having to pull your entire body in to hold yourself together. Once the credits began to roll you thanked Clint for choosing the movie before you left the room quickly. You cleaned your mess before you tried escaping quickly back to your room. “Maybe those walls aren’t so thick anymore.”

Steve’s voice called from behind you just as you made it to the doorway leading to the main hallway towards the bedrooms. So close to getting away with not having to talk to anyone else. “What’s that Steve?” You asked as you had one hand on the doorframe, looking back at him.

“You told everyone you were married. That was something none of them knew. Maybe it’s a step towards bringing those walls down.” There was a hopeful look about him as he gave you a tentative smile. He was trying to gauge how you were feeling after the admission.

“It just came out…I didn’t do it on purpose. Just reminded me of a good memory.”

“You might have not meant to, but it was the first time in three years you let something like that slip. It means something to the rest of them. More than you probably realize.” You were not sure that you believed what he said but you nodded.

“Good night Steve.”

“Good night [Y/N].”


End file.
